Pregnant? Or……Not?

I remember it like it was yesterday. I woke up so suddenly and I just knew something was different. I felt a change in my body, and i was positive I was pregnant. I don’t know how to describe it other than I felt this undeniable connection to a life inside me. I know that sounds crazy, but I woke up Kyle and said “I think I’m pregnant”. I remember he said “how do you know?” and I said “I just do”. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that everything about this pregnancy was different and special even from the moment I felt it start.

I decided to run to the store and pick up a home pregnancy test. I remember feeling such a mix of emotions. We had experienced miscarriages before, so my heart was guarded, I didn’t want to get my hopes up just to be let down again but I was positive I would see that little blue plus sign so I raced upstairs and tested. I waited… fantasizing about bringing a baby home and calculating my due date in my head.  After the agonizing 3mins, I looked down to see a negative test! I was shocked and frustrated that I allowed myself to get excited, and to be fooled by my own body. I was disappointed but at least I knew for sure. As the days passed I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was pregnant, I had a friend who was expecting, so Kyle thought maybe I was psychosomatically imagining my symptoms in some sort of distance sympathy pregnancy… over the course of the next 2 weeks I took 3 more tests, I was adamant that I was pregnant, but all of them were negative. What’s Einstein’s definition of insanity? Oh yea, “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. So I guess I was insane.

About 5 or 6 weeks after my initial test I had a yearly physical scheduled with my doctor. I went in and they asked me how I was feeling etc., all the typical intake questions that the doctors office always asks. I remember answering the questions one by one and then just blurting out at the nurse “maybe I’m insane but I’m positive I’m pregnant! I’ve taken 4 negative tests but I just feel like I am, so I either need absolute confirmation or a psychiatrist”… The nurse laughed and said if all my tests were negative I likely wasn’t pregnant, but that they would do a urine test to be sure. She handed me a plastic cup and my daughter Ella and I went off to the bathroom to collect for testing. I remember it clearly because as I was awkwardly squatting over the cup trying to hold back my shirt and not get pee all over my hands, my very tall 2 year old daughter pulled the lever of the bathroom door and opened it wide so the whole doctors office could see me… wow thanks Ella… I guess I should have been used to public humiliation being the mother of a toddler but that one stung! haha I came back into the room and waited with Ella who was becoming increasingly less patient and more agitated. FINALLY the doctor came into the room holding a folded up paper towel, and she said “well you aren’t insane, because you’re pregnant”. I think my jaw dropped to the floor. Despite how convinced I was, it was shocking to hear it out loud, particularly after all the negative tests. She opened the paper towel and showed me my test which was obviously positive. I instantly started to cry, she gave me a hug and told me it was very early, about 5 or 6 weeks and she was so happy to give me good news for once.

I couldn’t contain my excitement, I called Kyle on his “emergency” work phone number to tell him, and that is where our story starts. in July of 2017 with this little positive pregnancy test